Transgender Guide
Share Your Experiences
We are delighted to introduce Jan Cornish, an inspirational woman from the South West of England, who has been kind enough to share her story...
Jan Cornish's Emotional Journey
Way back in 1950 I received my first diagnosis. It was a Sunday at 4 o'clock in the afternoon on a winters' day and I was born into this life. The Midwife said to my Mother, 'it's a strong and healthy 8 lb boy'. I've had to live up to that pronouncement for the last 50 odd years. I was put on the first rung of the ladder into manhood before I was even capable of saying anything.
I reached the grand old age of 8 before I had some inkling that things were not quite right, but I didn't know why, I just knew that something was troubling me. I knew I was a boy, the evidence was irrefutable and so why did I feel at odds with what was being reflected in the mirror? I had no answer and so I put these strange feelings into a safe box within myself and got on with my life.
I took the path that was laid out in front of me. I didn't put it there. There were no junctions or crossroads, no choices. I had more troubled thoughts to store away in my safe box.
It's only now when I look back that I realise that I was living a life to appease my creators. Sadly my Mother and Father were only conforming to the way things had always been and were acting with the best intentions and without doubt loved and cherished me and I will always love them. My confusion if they had known about it, would have been beyond their understanding, as it was beyond my own at this point.
I progressed into the 'teens' and watched my 'pals' starting to explore and find excitement and fascination with girls. I didn't get it, I'm the same as them but I'm being left behind, has someone not told me something? I do like the girls though, I'd love to be able to sit and talk with them. Where did that come from? That can't be right! Better put it in the box, it'll be safe there.
The thoughts continued and I put them in the box where they couldn't hurt me or anyone else. Why don't I fancy the girls like all my mates do? I know I'm not gay, the boys don't interest me at all and yet I had no sexual attraction towards girls but I loved them and felt completely at home in their company. I even wanted to look and dress like them. Oh no! What am I letting myself think? Get it all in the box quickly and lock it. That's better, now I suppose I'd better go and play football or something.
The thoughts continued, I started working, I joined the military, I looked and acted like the man everyone thought I was. The box was getting fuller but it was safe.
I was about 30 when I fell headlong in love with a girl and fortunately that love was returned with the same intensity, it was the most fantastic thing that had ever happened to me, I was so happy, so this is cloud 9, I'm going to be ok, at last something I don't have to put in the box. I get it now! This is the way it should be, my mind has been playing tricks on me, the shadows have gone, the sun is shining, I can see ahead with clear eyes. We married and were blessed with a wonderful son and the box was in the attic and gathering dust, at last I have found peace and love, my future is safe and I am so looking forward to enjoying it. Intercourse was no longer a difficult and alien requirement of me, it was two people consummating their love, it was the most wonderful gift, I felt blessed.
I had no idea there was more baggage arriving which would have to go in the box, or that the box was weakening under the strain.
Life continued, I was happy and so very busy, if those thoughts were there they couldn't break through. We worked hard, bought a house and made it into our home. We raised our son who was a joy, and our relationship settled down and we fell into family life.
Some time later a thought broke through, I can't remember quite when but it frightened me, I mustn't allow anything to upset our happiness. I fought, captured and subdued it and went into my attic and locked it in that dusty box which I thought I'd seen the last of. My wife and son were the most important things in my life, nothing can be allowed to come between us, I loved them both dearly.
The box was secure and so was my life, or so I thought.
After 20 years with two short separations our marriage eventually came to an end. Our son was now in his late teens, he stayed with me for another year but my wife moved out and was living nearby. We remained good friends.
Although I had been visited with these unsettling thoughts occasionally, I managed to get them into the box before they could do any damage.
I was now alone and unhappy, my self esteem at an all time low, it was an immense effort even to get out of the house and go to work, what was the point?
I struggled on for a few more years, more trips to that damned box.
I couldn't carry on like this and so I booked a weekend retreat for people like myself who needed a place to explore their condition and let their thoughts come together. Unfortunately it was simply a safe place for transvestites to live out their fantasies. Nevertheless I threw myself into the spirit of things, who knows, perhaps I am a transvestite and all I need is to dress up now and again, maybe that would give me some peace.
It was not to be. It soon became apparent that this scenario had been created to make money out of the weak and vulnerable. I left 2 days later having been relieved of a small fortune. I felt used and worthless, what do I do now?
It took 2 or 3 years to recover from that devastating weekend and still I was storing thoughts in the box.
The Internet arrived!
I gained a new friend, we met on the net. It seemed that we had similar thoughts and so I was talked into another weekend away, but this time it was organised by people who were not after money but just to get together and have fun. I went, why not? I needed to get away and try to find a way to understand my confusion. The box cannot be bottomless, how big is it? Could I get in it and shut the lid? Would that be the answer?
At last I had made a good decision. My new net friend introduced me to one of her friends and within minutes I realised that we were as one. I felt as if I had known her all my life.
Imagine how I felt, I was sitting and talking to a lifelong friend who I had met minutes before. I was dressed the way the contents of that box had been pushing me all these years. I had never been so comfortable and relaxed in my life. Neither of us could understand why everyone else was disappearing every hour and returning in yet another glitzy outfit! We weren't transvestites, we were simply us. We spent the entire evening sharing our thoughts and drinking perhaps a little too much wine and most importantly forging a friendship that will outlast our time on this earth.
I visited my new friend whenever I could for a weekends respite and each time I was with her the mist lifted and the sun seemed to shine, it was such a joy to be myself. Meanwhile back home it all had to stay in the box, how on earth could I explain it to my family and friends? I thought it highly unlikely they would understand and I didn't want to lose them.
It was about a year later when my Father was dying and I was emotionally very fragile that the box gave up its struggle and burst open. The resulting tsunami of thoughts and emotions engulfed me and I was in complete despair. I couldn't think
straight and didn't know what to do. I phoned my friend and cried a lot, she suggested I go to see my GP which I did.
The Doctor listened to my story, (more tears), and was very kind and understanding but felt I needed to talk to someone with more experience of this kind of problem. I was referred to the Gender Identity Clinic where after several in depth sessions I was diagnosed as Male to Female Transsexual. This took me many months to come to terms with, I was secretly hoping there was something else in my past causing all these thoughts and that there would be a quick fix, alas not.
I have now moved away from my hometown and live as my real self, the way it always should have been, it's wonderful.
The NHS is treating me and within the next year my body should be in complete harmony with my inner self.
My gender dysphoria has become gender euphoria! Peace and tranquillity at last!
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